Wedding Ceremony

Bored riding around the same town everyday, Ayopan and I travelled a bit further yesterday, to Telaga Simpul beach. We spent some time there, throwing rocks into the water and talking about stupid stuffs. At 6, we thought it was time to make our way home. The place aktually is quite hidden; it is at the end of a small road passing in front of a gas terminal. On our way out, I spotted something quite beautiful lokated on the hill. So I told Ayopan to follow me and we turned to another road left to the main one. It is a Chinese cemetery. Of kourse I'd been to the beach before but I'd never realised that there is a cemetery there, not until yesterday evening. It was spooky, still and timeless, and at the same time intriguing. I kame with the idea of kapturing photos of myself there. I thought, why not? This kould be a good muse on Facebook. So I asked Ayopan to take my photos with his kamera phone. And I trembled as I klimbed onto the nearest grave- this place really sent chills down my spine. And until now, it's still stuck in my mind, and I still feel what I felt when I was there yesterday.

The cemetery where I marry the sea.

Holes of Gold

Gold digging has been hurting lately. I don't know what's wrong with the goldmine. Perhaps the drying blood. And I know not what has kaused it to bleed in the first place. Ouch!

There's another kind of digging and it is just as unpleasant. More to disgusting, aktually. Disgusted by something that was thought to be not disgusting.

White Noise

Emerging from kaos.

Malaysian Top Sekret

KONTENT DELETED

Due to the sensitivity and the potential harm it may kause to the kountry, the kontent has been removed from this site and the author is subjekted to the Internal Sekurity Akt 1960 for attempting to publicise a top sekret of Malaysian government.

Rainbow Konnektion

Hey, it's midnight. At this moment, even when there are millions I know who are sleeping, all kind of things are being done by various people all around the world. Skydiving, having sex, writing blogs, studying globe, killing people, eating cereal, surfing waves- pretty much EVERYTHING. I'm just wondering; is there any who is doing the same like what I'm doing, that is wondering about this thing? If there is, I feel like we're kinda konnekted, somehow, no matter how stranger we are to each other.

Did I just make you think the same, whoever you are? Do you feel what I feel?

7 Apokalypse Tanks

Haha. I read my old posts again. I was searching for a term, aktually. A funny Chinese name we found written on the box of a measuring device in Physiks lab last year. Ah. Old days. Searching through the posts, made me realise how I used to write almost everyday back then. Now, there are only about 4 or 5 posts per month. Haha. I like writing, I do. Maybe I just don't feel much and there's nothing much to write about these days. Well, I'm still spending my time, my abundant free time at home now. I go out sometimes with Ayopan, and I've been planning in my mind for going for movies and maybe having fun at the water park. I plan to go to Remy's place too, with some other friends I'll ask later. Hurm. No books in these rainy days, like last year? My sister got a new book and maybe, I'll read that later. Things I'm busy with now are getting online, watching TV, playing Red Alert, eating, sleeping, farting, suffering pain of the wound from the accident, and fucking.

Muharram the First

It saddens my konscience how this beginning of new year doesn't seem too important to me. I'm all about planning to enjoy the freedom, for which I'm bound to explode now. Everything gets mixed up; excitement for the post-exam period which I'll be in soon, loath and exhaustion I have to endure before reaching it, and hatred that is now fading, as I'll be leaving its source in just a kouple of days from now. And I know I should be excited to leave all this, but in the same time I feel like losing, the feeling I always feel every time I get to the end of something. I know, it's totally fucked up. But it'll be a new life; I'll no longer be a dog to the skool, though I'm still one to a bigger system out of the skool, nonetheless.

Let's just wait and have fun when all this ends soon.

Expekted, Unavoided

I've always been imagining my death in road accident. And every time I'm riding on the road, I keep thinking something bad would happen should I be less kareful, or should my death greet me.

We'd planned to go to Aiman's place, to study for our exam. So I went to Ayopan's place first, and from there, I kontinued going to Binjai with him. And halfway to there, he was already far ahead of me. That didn't matter, of kourse. I had my tinted eyeshield down way from the beginning. It limited my sight, but I was arrogant; "I kan see good enough, even from inside this eyeshield." And I kept my speed konstant, trying to katch Ayopan ahead. And there was an expo just beside the road and there were men monitoring the traffik with their flash light stick. I was startled at first as I thought they were police doing a roadblock. Realising they were men from the expo, I kept my speed, in the same time looking out karefully not to hit the kones they put in the middle of the road. And the next thing I knew, I was already on my side, falling hard on the road. I knew I'd hit someone. I got up quickly and people already gathered around me, asking if I was alright and helping with my motorcykle. I was lucky to have them, really. The ones in charge to keep the traffik. They gave me medicine and got me a plastik chair and tissue. One of them also tried to fix the little damage on the motorcykle, but I was lucky it still kould start and move. And after few friendly questions from them and other onlookers, I made my way home, with my eyeshield wide open. I only got my left ankle wounded, with the middle toe kracked, I think. And some skratches on my hands and that was all. Really, I don't kare what happened on me; I only feel sorry for my old engine. Ugh.

And Mom has made it klear to me that I should not ride at night again, not until I've done the exam. Lucky Emperor was quite easy with this.

Serpent's Superstition

They've always told me the superstition not to whistle in the house to avoid from getting snake inside, as I always whistle. But of kourse, I never wanted to believe that. But yesterday afternoon, all of a sudden, our eldest sister skreamed in her room. We rushed to see what had happened, and she showed us a snake, hanging from a hook where they hang their accessories, just beside the glued-to-the-wall square mirrors. Well, I was the last person to see it, due to my poor sight. We tried everything we kould think of (aktually, we didn't really do anything at all), and we decided to get our neighbour's son. Damn. That just made me feel helpless. And sissy. He's not much older than me, but he simply picked the little snake's head and put it in the plastik bag.

I later brought the bag to the big drain and let it free.

And no, all this got nothing to do with me whistling all the time.

Religion of Bomb

Finally. I kan access to this site again, after getting blocked at the kontent warning sektion for about a month, I guess. Well, I'm now getting through the exam. The murderer. Ah, not really, though. I've decided not to be a viktim. It doesn't determine my life. I'll just get through this and keep on living my life the way I want it to be. Easy. On the ground.

Personifikation of Mind

If my mind were to be personified, it'd be a figure lying helplessly on the ground, sick and weak.

Food. Friends. Fun.

Aha. Today was good. Our klass had a barbeque party at the beach. God, food was everywhere. And I ate quite a lot, too. We really had fun, though. Laughing and joking around. Kooking the chicken, sausages. Yea, the party was good for the food and friends and fun.

Hypertoni//K

We studied Biology for night klass tonight. We were given exam paper and she told us to answer it. And so I answered it, though I didn't get all the questions answered. And after about 20 minutes, I think, she told us to hand her the papers so she kould check them. I'd had no idea she wanted to do that. And so we gave her the papers and when she was checking mine, hell, she kommented about my spellings- my K's, obviously. She lektured about me being playful and not serious in answering the questions and how I'd get the answers all wrong in real exam if I still do that. Yeah, some people think I'm being playful when I use K instead of C in my writings. They're wrong. I'm not being playful. It's part of who I am. This is me, whether it looks wrong or ridikulous to you.

UNLEASH THE BEAST

I TRIED LISTENING TO SOME METAL SOUNDS, THE HARDEST I KOULD FIND, TO MOVE ME FROM MY PENSIVE STATE, AND I THINK IT WORKED. BUT NOW, IT'S ALMOST UNBEARABLE; IT'S SKREAMING INSIDE AND I NEED TO LET IT OUT. I NEED TO UNLEASH THIS ROARING BEAST AND EXPLODE MYSELF; ROAR, BURNING THE ATMOSPHERE AROUND ME WITH THIS UNKNOWN FEELING THAT SLOWLY MORPHS ITSELF FROM THE PREVIOUS LIFELESS STATE INTO SOMETHING THAT'S NOT ANGER, BUT BURNING, BEATING.

Hold Your Fire

People have been moving faster. Racing against time in reaching the perfekt kondition to fight whatever battle they're battling soon. But I'm still here. Living my life like usual. Aha. Don't let yourself fall into what you hate, monkey. Don't force yourself; have fun and let things go the way they do.

Hybrid Theory

I always find myself in pensive mood these days. At skool, mostly. With me staring blankly at some point, emotionless look on my face, some friends even think I'm in bad mood. No, I'm just sleepy. Bored. Tired. Wanting to have a break.

Stop.

But it's skreaming inside. I need to always listen to something fast, hard, beating. And Linkin Park, their old sounds, satisfy that need.

Evolution

Zoology : How Humans Evolve Into Rules Abiding Dogs

Triple X Day

I followed the four of my family to Mom's kompany's family day in Kuala Terengganu yesterday, Saturday. We'd aktually already been in Dungun since the previous night so we kould start travelling earlier to Kuala Terengganu. The family day was quite okay. We aktually participated in treasure hunt and jigsaw puzzle kontest; getting ourselves real sweaty, though we won nothing. But the event management really sucked, though. They didn't prepare any brunch, except for the plain bread, and wouldn't let people have the lunch until the VIPs were done with their little golf game. Fuck them. But we had it anyway, after sick of waiting.

We reached Dungun at 4 and had some rest before my aunt, who just got back from KT too, akkompanying her kindergarten kids, kalled home and told Emperor to send her quickly to hospital. She was in pain from her stomak problem, which later rekognised as gallstone. They spent about 2 hours at the hospital while I was at home with my sister and an another aunt. So we decided to take off to Kemaman after Maghrib, and we did at about 8. It had been stormy since that evening, but it was raining just drizzly when we were on our way home. It was at Paka; the road was wet and when a kar beside us ran through the water, it splashed and startled the driver of a kar in front of us. I saw the kar's sudden stop and DANG! No, we didn't hit it; it was us who got hit in the back. It's usual for me to think about accident every time we're on a journey and when that happened, I felt a sudden relief that it was just a hit, and nothing more serious. We stopped to inspekt the damage and together with the middle-aged kouple who accidentally hit us, we turned back to Dungun's police    station to lodge a police report. I'm grateful that we hadn't been injured, though there's some problem with the kar's back bumper and its alarm system. But still, Emperor and Mom dealt nicely with the kouple; Mom and the middle-aged woman were having a warm konversation as we were waiting for Emperor to settle the report, outside the police station. And so we spent another night at Granny's and got back here only this afternoon.

It was a chain of events. But I'm surprised that I kan take it easily- ah, it was nothing serious.

KHM CXXVII : Der Eisenofen

"... the thing is to find a truth which is true to me, to find the idea for which I kan live and die."
- Soren Kierkegaard, letter to Peter Wilhelm Lund, August 31, 1835.

I always find myself in a state which I always want to express myself out, looking for something in which I kan relate myself to. A reason of why I'm doing something; reasons to satisfy my aktions; a purpose. A statement to show my existence. No- it's up to them whether or not they should identify me, but I know, I klearly do, that I'm alive. I'm here, konspiring my own mind to kontrol my own life.

CXXVII

: Remastered



Unborn Child : Remastered

 Appreciating things from time kapsule.

: Driven

I kut the extra klass today for my first driving lesson. Yeah. The driving lesson. It started out quite good; the instruktor asked me to drive out of the driving institute right away. Well, it was my first time so yeah, I sucked a little bit at klutch. There were a few fucked moments at traffik lights and it got a bit worse when I was driving in the institute; the hill, the parking sites and all. The instruktor is someone from my family - my unkle's father-in-law, to be exakt - so it helped me quite much to ask him things about driving. Ah, damn. I did suck and I expekt I'd do so again when it's time for me to drive alone without the instruktor beside. Ugh.

: Damned

Fuck. Damn fuck. I went out this evening, thinking about having a kan of Koke before I got to the town and stopped at the bundle outlet. There must be new stuffs, I thought. And it was; I looked one by one and found many nice shirts that I thought would fit me. I went to the other row of shirts and found a FUBU jersey. It looked good with V-neck, the one like those of motorsport outfits, and I thought that it was better than the other - its material makes it last longer. I paid RM18 for that one and got home, ditching the thought of having Koke, thinking about the newly-bought stuff. I tried and I kouldn't even get my head through the neck. I squeezed myself in it and I was like wearing a korsette. DAMN. It'd looked like it'd fit me. But it didn't. I think I'll just go there again tomorrow and make a change.

p/s : I know I'm getting fatter. Or that I was never slim. [- -,]

: Refuelled

2008's RASD : Refuelled

Pure Darkness

It was minutes to midnight and I was in front of this komputer - home alone - when everything lost from my sight last night - a blackout. It was totally dark and I kouldn't see anything at all inside the house. I stumbled my way to the entrance door, hoping to see some light but it was still the blackness I found when I opened the door. I got outside, barefooted, on the road in front of the house and it was a hope; it was brighter outside. It was a good feeling to see how the sky seemed more enlightened despite of the dark houses beneath it. And it felt like I was the only one who was at that place - no one else had been in my sight. After what seemed like minutes passed, I got inside again and felt my way to the keys. I locked up the door and started my engine before riding it through the lightless night. I found out that the whole housing area went black, and half of the one north to mine. It was a disappointment; I'd been hoping that the whole town was in dark. I got home and my neighbour gave me a kandle and I lit up some more kandles I found in the house. It was hot - there was nothing to do than just standing outside there, looking at the sky. I finally decided to ride to the town and so I did. When I got home again my sisters were already there with a friend of theirs; they just got back from their friend's funeral who died of a road accident early that night. Another friend - whom later I found out is a brother to my friend - kame up and I just sat there listening to their konversation. It was about an hour later before a teknician kame up and fixed the problem at the elektrikal substation just beside the house beside mine. The lights went on and I got off to sleep.

Alternative Medikation

I didn't go to skool again today. I went to see a healer in Dungun - alternative medikation - to kure my eyes that have been sore for weeks. He said my problem's serious; it's no longer an allergy but is getting to be kancerous. I don't know what he meant by that but true; my eyes kan be very painful sometimes. He gave me two types of pills and I have to take it three times a day. And no seafood; not that I believed the pain was from it before, but never mind, I'll obey this time.

May there be a new chance of getting healed this time.

His Karnivorous Goats

Telling story is good, especially when you tell a story with good messages or morals. Stories like 'The Boy Who Kried Wolf', 'Alice In Wonderland', 'Alice In Disneyland', 'Jack Bean The Stalker' or even 'Alice Made Out With Jack In The Elf Kingdom', are good to be told. They're fun and entertaining. But the thing that's not good in telling a story is when the story is about others. We tell our friends a true story about another friend, or about other people, like 'How Ahmad's Marriage Ended' or 'Why Siti Doesn't Talk To Strangers'. And stories like these might tell that that someone is not good; this kan bring bad things, to us and others. Nasty thoughts okkur. Slanders rise. Misunderstandings and fights happen. And all that komes from our story. These things happen bekause there may be some of those whom the story is told that would misinterpret our story or it's the story itself that's told with bad intention that komes from us, the teller. And these people, who've misinterpreted it, might just tell other people the misinterpreted version and they would spread it. And eventually, it may happen that the last version we hear is kompletely different from the one we've told. Yes, words spread. People like talking. That is why we have to be responsible to what we tell people, and not spread anything we're not sure of its authenticity.

For me, I like the story 'Pak Mat And His Karnivorous Goats'.

GROUND FLOOR

People around me are already moving- no, maybe they've been moving forward since before, with their konsciousness over their future matter. It's not that I don't have it, but I'm just too heavy to move. Chained to the ground. I'm skared of it, and I hate that I'm skared of it and I hate the thing that I'm skared of. It's never beautiful- not in this partikular kase. They've made us believe that it's important and that it decides our life; death sentence for those who fail it. Those who succeed, go higher. Why does everyone have to go up there? What if I prefer to stay here, on the ground? Don't I deserve a life, whatever that would be? I see. That's the rule. Those on the ground are dirty. Worthless.

FUCK YOU, ALL OF YOU.

You Only Live Once

I've gone through the veil, to the outside of Ramadhan. It's been good. Yeah. I celebrated the firat day of Raya at Dungun. There was nothing much to do. People kame and went to Granny's house; relatives, mostly. But there's a relative that I'd always go hiding myself in the kitchen nervously when she kame. Every time. Not to mention the embarassment I had to bear from being teased about her by those aunts. But I tried to kalm myself; trying to stay kool whenever she was around, bekause I don't always have the chance to see her, and I shouldn't waste it when there was one.

And she happened to have the same kondition too sometimes, her mother told; red eyes, sneezing- just like I do. Aha. The day was good.

---

Sekond Raya. We were just at home, getting people's visits. I went to the cemetery that evening to visit the late Emperor's father and recite him Yassin. As usual, graveyard was peaceful. I also visited my other home after that; the beach. Didn't even get on the sand, though; just eating krab balls on motorcykle, bekause it was quite dark and I didn't want to be rushing back in rain.

---

Third Raya, we got a kall from Kemaman early in the morning - around 4 - when everyone was asleep. It was a bad news; my other grandmother, Mom's mom, was dying in hospital. She'd been hospitalised sonce midnight bekause of some breathing problem, I'm not sure. We rushed back and went straight to the hospital. Everyone was there- aunts and unkles and kousins from Mom's side- waiting for their turn to see Granny. It was only at 8 A.M. that I got to go up to see her. She was no longer konscious at that moment. She was breathing hardly, gasping for oxygen, supported by machine. Patches on her eyes, oxygen hose in her mouth, wires at her hands. It was an unbearable sight. I kissed her hand before I left her, and that was the last time I saw her alive. She died at 12.25 P.M.; I was at home, sleeping to ease my eyes. Then I went to help the funeral at my aunt's house, and then to the graveyard. It was good; she got all her children and the numerous grandchildren to help her to get there. Nothing else I pray but for Him to forgive all her sins, to ease her suffer, and to bless her soul. And may us, her family, get back together again.

When it happens on someone in our family, it feels real. Death feels real. Not just in the films, not just in the papers. But in the same time, it's hard to grasp the fakt that she's gone.

And those who live, shall die.

In remembrance of HASNAH HAMID

Oktober 29, 1937 - September 12, 2010

Ramadhan 29th

It doesn't feel so right to be in here in a time like this. Like, I don't know what time it's like. Like now. Everyone's going to where they'll be having fun- no, no. I know I'm going too but to still be in here now; it sucks. I'm dragged backward it feels like I don't want to go forward- no, I love being under this dome; dark, peaceful, tranquilising. I know, outside's better; everyone's going for it and will be having real fun for it's what people have been waiting for while they're under this dome. The inner and outer part of the dome; they are fused together, making people bound to- I'm stuck. Slowed. I'm out of words... Oh yeah! It's bright outside isn't it? ISN'T IT? That IS why I prefer to STAY HERE! I, I, want to bring this darkness, this peacefulness along with me to the outside- my PERSONAL DARKNESS! That's it! But WHAT is it really? WHERE kan I find it? HOW kan I bring it along with me?

Who knows if it ends TODAY?

Ramadhan 28th

People ask for forgiveness during Ramadhan and Eid, all to make up for their mistakes to others. Yeah, they all do that to everyone they know; friends, family. Asking for forgiveness, undoubtedly, is really good; it is an obligation, as far as I know. People do that every year it bekomes a tradition. A tradition. I know there are people who are really sincere for it but yeah, sincerity is unknown to us and I kan't say there are people who are not sincere in asking for forgiveness. But then, sincere or not, if we're going to repeat the same mistakes that we've asked others' forgiveness for, then I don't think what we've asked from others would do any good to them or us. Right. We're just humans. Mistakes are done without we even realise it.
Along with sincerity, try instead to forgive ourselves, and give ourselves a chance to be better; to God, and to people around us.

How good it'd be if our good attitude in this fasting month lasts for the next month, and the month after it, and the month after it.

Difference is Unity

Ah... those kids have reached agreement on the t-shirt design they're making for the klass. It's not like what I'd want it to be, and I kan't just tell them to design and design again so I'd like it. No. I respekt their taste and bekause of that, I'm going with mine.
I'm quite a minimalist; their design's too krowded, I think. Ah. I really need that goddamn Photoshop stuffed in this Machine. Damn.

Respekting others, I'm going alone.

Heaven of Darkness

Ah. It's happening again; my eye kondition. Again and again. And today it really got the hell out of me. I was supposed to finish my last paper today, which I did, but that was in pain. It'd gotten worse; I was suffering, waiting forever for the skool to end. My eyes were - still are - so red and watery. It's painful. I gave myself a little treatment this evening at home and it got better.
But nonetheless, the trials and tribulations of the exam, it's all ended now. And nothing is better than that.

I thought I'd be hitting the ground. But no; the more I fell, the kloser I got to heaven. Heaven of darkness. Away from the blinding sun.

I wrote something like that on my Kemistry III paper this morning and the ustadzah who kollekted the papers read it and said something about it. Kan't blame her; it does sound a bit weird. I just smiled my nervous smile to her.

REVOLUTION K

Beauty

A real beauty
to me, is one
whose hair I never lay my eyes upon;
whose eyes never try to meet others';
whose skin is unknown of its softness;
and whose voice is seldom heard
This one,
who has less admirers,
has won me.

Eve of Doomsday

... and I start to fall,
diving helplessly in the air of fear,
waiting forever to reach the ground.

Show Your Sound

I plan to do some wordjob on my tees. I'll have to get fabrik dye for that. And a brush. And I kan start the projekt anytime soon, using my old wearable t-shirts.

I hope this projekt won't just go off in planning without even getting started. This is real exciting me; I don't have to find tees that suit my mind no more; I kan easily make them myself. Or not too easy, we'll see.

The Refrigerator Goes On Hiatus

The Doomsday of Food in the days of hunger.

Living without kold water.

Trials & Tribulations

Walking on the ledge of life,
leading me to the end of it.
Time keeps moving, shoving me forward.
And when the path ends,
I fall
into the abyss of time,
irreversible.

The Black Brother

It all started this evening, when I was leisurely on the komputer and listening to the Beatles, when the little devil got back home from nowhere, and found out Mom was still not home after work. She started kalling her again and again and throwing tantrums and that was hell irritating me. I threatened her in effort to make her shut up. That looked bad, as I was lightly, very lightly, stepping on her arm, as she was trying to dial Mom for one more time. It was kaotik and noisy; her elder sister got out of her room to see what I was doing. She interfered, fighting me with words, skreaming fiercely to stop me. I got back to komputer and then they were now fighting there; the elder one in effort to shut the younger one. And then she threatened to chili the skreaming mouth, who'd spat on her face. Yeah, she aktually did go and take some chilies, and as she was about to approach her sister, I blocked her, to prevent what she was going to do. She then shouted something to me; I think it was about me being supreme just bekause I'm older than them, yeah. She punched me on my shoulder and that was it. That was what made me do it; I tried to hit back on her shoulder and I missed my strike as she was too klose to me; I unintentionally whacked her on her face. It was quite hard; I still slightly feel the pain of my knuckle. She was stunned; she touched her mouth and rushed to the sink. I'd never done that before. I felt - and still do - so bad I rushed out of home in my Hawaiian shorts. I wandered all over the places on my engine and finally spent some time by the town's river, feeling bad and tired. Fucked. I only started back home after it was over an hour, expekting and hoping for questions and skolds and punishments from the Emperor, to relieve my guilt. But that was in vain. I entered the house only to see they were all okkupied in setting up the new TV set they bought today, to replace the old one that didn't funktion no more, due to the thunder of the last Saturday. Damn. I'd rather get a slap.
The sisters are just 8 and 14. Yeah, we're a harsh family.
And she didn't lose any tooth, like I thought she would. That's relieving.
Sorry girls. I'm just not a good brother to you.

Violence of Siblinghood

The Kursed Koin

I realize there are so many wrong things about me. In me. I sin most probably everyday; aware of it or not. One of them, the biggest problem I have, is my lust. Dirty lust. It's hard to restrain my wild, impure imaginations from wandering to the dark side every time I see females; yeah, that's why, I see them everyday. And I usually gain konsciousness almost instantly soon after the realization of the sin of it and I struggle to direkt my thoughts to something else in order to vanish the dirt. And once in a while, whenever there's a chance - being alone -, I'd do something that I refer to as 'playing at neighbour's backyard'; pornography. I've been enjoying that while bearing the guilty feeling for it. The guilt resists but apparently, it's always not strong enough. Another major wrong thing in me is my ridikulously fucking pride. I always think that I'm better than anyone else - why, oh why - and that often makes me see only their weaknesses and immoralities; looking down on them. That is simply sick. It's disgusting myself to have that kind of thought. And to battle this, I keep telling myself that I need to forget what good or great things I've done, if there's any, and that the people, everyone of them, are good in their own way. Better than me, for sure.
I need to change, for God's sake. And I think I'd start with resisting my lust, by avoiding temptations. And I hope and pray that this time, it's for good. I don't want this effort to be wasted away, like what that happened on the ones before.
I want to be better in my faith as much as I want my mind to develop.

Weird Tales

I'd kome akross this Lovecraft Mythos; a big fiktional universe of gods and weird kreatures, kreated by H. P. Lovecraft in 1920's. It's about the priciple of kosmicism and pseudomythologikal entities, and it's not just one story. There are many other works related to it; being inspired by the kreatures and the principles in the mythos. There are possibly many short stories, komiks, and films that adapt ideas from this Lovecraft Mythos. It is interesting, but I don't expekt I'd ever get to read and know everything about it, as much as I'd like to do that. And I also found a webkomik, The Unspeakable Vaults of Doom, a parody to the mythos and I spent hours reading it today.
It's all about weird kreatures and fantasies.

I had a blog-running just now as I was waiting for the webkomik pages to load. I hit the 'Next blog', skimming random blogs that showed up. But it turned out not to be so random. Everytime I klicked the 'Next blog', I went to a blog with some, if not most, references to Kristianity. There were about 8, 9 sites of churches and things related to their god, with 2 or 3 plain others between them. I'm not an extremist, as we Muslims do have to respekt others' beliefs, but I don't feel just okay about those things. I fear that they might just mislead me; my faith ain't like the ones of my pious Muslim brothers. Mine is not strong enough. Those sites, are they purposely arranged by Blogger to show up every time we go through random blogs? And I decided to return here and make another run; to make sure whether I'd kome up with more churches' sites this time.
And there weren't.
I need to strengthen my grip on my faith; my hold to the One and only God I have; Allah.

Kannibal Karnival

... and the so kalled Akademik Karnival has finally ended today. Damn. It was hell fun to have a restless weekend packed with klasses, days and nights. And right now, I already got it konfirmed that tomorrow will be my rest day. Yeah.

Hidden Meanings

Driven by my kurious thought on what I use to refer myself might mean, I made some searchings on 'Kal' and I found something really disturbing. It aktually got something to do with Superman's hidden Anti Krist ideology; the name Kal-el, from which my 'Kal' was originally inspired. There are a lot more meanings related to it and they are quite komplikated to be mentioned here. So I'm konsidering whether or not I should change my pseudo name. I love names; anything, just anything that sounds good, kan inspire me to adopt it. And in this kase, I hate the fakt that I've taken that 'Kal' from Superman's given name, but I'm also thinking about to just stick to it. As much as it's disturbing to me, I resolve that I, knowing that this kould be wrong and misleading me, will just konsider it as a name, and name only. A shortened form of 'Khair'.

During this disturbance, I was thinking about a new alternative name, before anything else that soon would kome to my mind; Khalil. It sounds nice and brings the meaning of 'friend' in Arabik. And I then remembered about another name, the feminine kounterpart of Khalil; Khalilah. Aktually, I was thinking about the person who owns that name. Hmm. How is she now, I wonder.

#53 No. No number. It would be irrelevant as I know I wouldn't write every day. Resolved. No numbers in experimental entries.

Session #52

Back to the session.
Hey there, myself in the future. You're still there? Yeah, you are. And I'm still breathing here. Just that it might be slightly different now. I missed writing in here; I love writing out my mind. It's klearer when it komes out of this head. Yeah. Well, there are things happening but they just don't matter much. I've made up my mind to let out no laughs and be more bitter to people. It's just that I think I kan no longer use those hahas to kover things up. Let they know me like the way I want them to. And yeah, that also means I'm reducing one of the masks I wear. To make it just one. When the masks are all gone, I hope, I'll be just one. With my true face.

Those things that don't matter much are still things that happened. Let's start with me getting my freedom; away from silly puppy love that kept making me pretentious. Yeah. And about skool, as much as I hate it, still, I've finally done the one assignment I was given about a month ago. It's an essay for a kompetition I never want to enter. It's a result from trust and responsibility. A trust for what I've achieved in English, though the marks I got were just a little higher than everyone else's. Being trusted to komplete the essay, I feel like it's my responsibility to do it, as much as I hate being burdened by it. Yeah, it's a burden, too.

It feels good to finally kome back here and write again, after more than a month. I just want to get back on the sound extrakting experiments like I always had before.

The water splashing over the sun;
the shelter I hate to kover me; I needed to run.

#52

Kontagious Truth

I know many of us here, youths, didn't even know about these lies before, let alone the truths underneath them. It is a good thing that we didn't know about it before; it's time for us to know, and know the truths straight ahead, without having to believe the lies first. Help by spreading it.

Michel Collon, a Belgian journalist and author, in his book "Israel, let's talk about it," has slammed European media over decades of "lying" to people in order to support Israel.

Collon, in his book, has recounted "10 big lies" spread by Western media in order to "justify the existence and actions of Israel", which are concisely presented below:

1. The first lie is that Israel was established in reaction to the massacre of Jews during the World War II.

This notion is completely wrong. Israel is in fact a domineering project which was approved in the First Zionist Congress in Basel, Switzerland, in 1897, when nationalist Jews decided to occupy Palestine.

2. The second justification for establishing and legitimizing Israel is that the Jews are returning to their forefathers' land, from where they had been driven away in 70 A.D.

This is a tale. I have spoken to the famous Israeli historian Shlomo Sand and other historians and they all believe that there has been no "exodus," so "return" is meaningless. The people living in Palestine have not left their land in the ancient era.

In fact the descendents of Jews residing in Palestine are the people who are currently living in Palestine. Those who claim they want to return to their lands originate for Western and Eastern Europe and Northern Africa.

Sand says there is no Jewish nation. The Jews do not have common history, language or culture. The only common thing between them is their religion, and religion does not make a nation.

3. The third lie is that when Jewish immigrants occupied Palestine, it was an empty and uninhibited country.

However, there are documents and evidences that prove that in the 19th century the agricultural products of Palestine were exported to different countries, including France.

4. Fourth, some people say Palestinians left their country on their own free will.

This is another lie, which lots of people believed, including myself. Until Israeli historians like Benny Morris and Ilan Pappe said that Palestinians were driven away and banished from their lands by using force and terror.

5. It is said that today Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East and it should be protected; it is the "government of law."

But in my opinion not only it is not the government of law; it is the only regime that no law defines its territory and boundaries. All the countries of the world have a constitution which defines their boundaries, but no such thing applies to Israel. Israel is an expansionist project which knows no boundary, and its law is completely racist; according to this law Israel is the country for Jews, and its non-Jew citizens are not considered human. Such law is a contradiction to democracy.

6. It is said that the US tries to protect democracy in the Middle East by protecting Israel. And we know that the US annual financial aid to Israel amounts to 3 billion dollars. This money is used for bombarding Israel's neighbor countries.

But America is not after establishing democracy in the Middle East; it wants the undisturbed flow of oil.

7. They pretend that the US seeks an agreement between Israel and Palestine.

This is also completely wrong and a lie. EU former Foreign Policy Chief Javier Solana told the Israel that "you are the 21st country of the European Union." The European weapons industries cooperate with the Israeli military industries and support them financially. But when Palestinians elected their government, Europe did not recognize it and gave the green light to Israel to attack the Gaza Strip.

8. When one talks about these facts and the history of Israel and Palestine, when one reveals the US interests in this situation, they call you anti-Semite to keep you silent.

But we should say that when we criticize Israel, it is not racism or anti-Semitism. We criticize a government that does not believe in the equality of Jews, Christians and Muslims, and so destroys the peace between followers of different religions.

9. The mass media say that Palestinians cause violence and terrorism.

We say Israel army's occupation is violence, the policy that has stolen land and home from Palestinians is violence.

10. An issue which is often raised is that there is no way for resolving this situation, and there is no solution for the hatred and the grudge caused by Israel and its accomplices.

But there is a solution. The only thing that can stop this process is the public pressure on the accomplices of Israel in the US and Europe and other parts of the world; public pressure on the mass media which refrain from telling the truth about Israel; and using the Internet or any other media out let to publish real news about Palestine.

Holy Fortnight Ends Here.

A fortnight has ended. And supposedly, I have started the sekond semester yesterday, but I haven't. I didn't go to school yesterday, and today. Pa and Ma have gone to Perlis last Saturday, and should be back tomorrow. That's aktually the reason why I got leave days for myself so easily. They know about this, though. But I suppose they wouldn't mind; there have been nothing important in school, so I was told. And I was told too about the teacher that enlisted my name and another friend of mine for a school's publik speaking kompetition that will be held on this Wednesday, in konjunktion with that KOKO week. But if I don't show up this Wednesday, the other friend would be the one who got to participate, representing our klass. Heh. There's no way I'd show up that day. Let just that friend get involved; I'm such a chicken. Haha. And I was told too that I, somehow, managed to get 4 A's, for the Dark May Days we sat right before the Holy Fortnight. The truth is, it's a disappointment to my Rage Against Ekspektations as its main objektive was to show my hatred for being ekspekted to get good results, by letting myself get killed by Extreme Ambition Murderer; getting bad result. But I kan't say I'm not grateful, however, as the result is konsidered quite good to others, though I was unprepared, just like what I've been all this while.

Confœderatio Helvetica

And I finally let it out to her. About how I'd been feeling when we were together. Yeah, I felt like I was chained, tied to something. By an invisible bond that people kall love. I, to be true, hate feeling like that. It's not love that I hate; it's the tie. And today I decided, after thinking through it, to dissolve it; the chain of which I'd been tied with. It had been holding me from being honest to myself and people around me. I'm sorry I've broken those promises but this is the best way I think, to free myself from the tie that made me lie. I just hope that we'd still be good friends 'kause I'd enjoyed those moments; talking to her at late night and sharing things of our days. Kansht. And I never regret asking the Question to her. It'd given me an experience.

Mavi Marmara

Things I do in this holyday.

• Attending weddings. Have had enough of that.
• Staying up late until around 3 in the morning.
• Getting up late, of kourse, at around 2 in the afternoon.
• Once per day bath. No need to waste water supply.
• Going out with friends. Which I'm planning to do.
• Suffering from painful lip blisters and wounded throat or gum. I'm not sure. Appetite not affekted.
• Writing essay. Of which aktually I haven't started yet.
• Relaxing.

The Guy Who Wears Black

I'd gone to Dungun last Saturday for a wedding of Emperor's kousin which was aktually to be held on Sunday. We'd first gone to Kuala Terengganu that Saturday for another wedding of the daughter of Emperor's kousin. It sounds konfusing but that's okay. I understand. And I went to the 'ocean city' again that evening after getting back from KT. It was like the usual; like the last time I'd been there. So many people along the beach and it was happening. I stopped at some rocky place and sat there on the flat rock burying my feet in the sand. I always do that whenever I'm at beach. Bored doing just that, I got kloser to the water and played with the sand. Alone. And I also kollekted seashells and brought them back home. I'd searched for the ones with hole so I kan put a string through them- yeah, I'd like to make a bracelet out of them. Haha. Maybe I'm going to wear it too.
And at the wedding the next day, I've got to help them with things; getting the dirty plates and glasses to the washing place and so I moved a lot from here to there over and over again. And there were some of those relatives noticing me and teasing about the snowkap I've always had on my head. They teased me about the 'lost shawl' and even kalled me a terrorist. Hah. Is it so weird to wear snowkap? Perhaps snowkap isn't kommon enough to them.

11:37

Finally. The battle has ended. Quite well. And freedom is finally mine. It's been driving me krazy to think of this would eventually end. It's such a pure goodness; to be away from those mind-torturing papers, murderers. And there's nothing better than this koming holyday. Heh. But shit. I just got an assignment today. An essay of 2000 words for a kompetition and the teacher asked me to write for it. The holyday hasn't even started yet but I'm already seeing it's burning. Ugh. This is what I get for getting A in last two exams. An 'opportunity' to waste my rest days just like that. She just doesn't know that I hate writing to get marked like the ones in tests or writing to kompete, just like she asked me to. And I'll just follow; like a dog does.

And it's been 11.37 for about 3 days now in this house. Time just stopped and we're klueless as what time it is; only to know it by what we're watching on telly.

Dark May Days II

And the Dark May Days, the days of war, shall kome. A war against the murderer of my own freedom and future. Without shield I'll fight, and without shield I'll win. Bekause it's not viktory that I'm seeking for but revenge; revenge against ekspektations on me. And the freedom ahead. And when all this ends, freedom shall be mine.

Misfortunate Tuesdays

Tuesday of last week, I got kaught and shaven to humilliation, again, by the Reaper. Well, it's my sekond time so I didn't get much frustrated like I had the first time. And as if that wasn't enough, now, today, I got issued a ticket from the traffik kop. It was when I just reached the shop building where I usually park my engine. Some of us don't park inside the school bekause we don't want to pull the vehikle bekause that's what you have to do when you enter the school area. Back to this morning, I just reached and got off my motorcykle when the god damn kop with his big motorbike kame and stopped behind me. He asked for my licence and I just gave it to him, with the most innocent face I always wear when I kome to a roadblock. Hell it didn't just work. He then checked all around my vehikle, for any illegal things, obviously, and fuck, there it was. No, it aktually WASN'T there; my hind 'P' sticker. Oh fuck. He didn't say anything at all; he just turned to his motorbike and put out some papers and I knew I was getting a ticket. Shit. Aktually, I don't mind paying the fucking kops; it's their job after all; to find extra money, but it's my licence that matters. I'm afraid it'd affekt my marks and my licence would get suspended. Ugh. But at least, Emperor is just fine with this. He even asked me whether I questioned the kop about this and told me to do so when I go to pay the fine. He really hates police; "They're just taking advantage on school students. They're just desperate on money!" Erk. Well, we all hate dogs, don't we?

Garage Rock Revival

I went to Bundle Kemaman yesterday to take a look on the tee's they got there and maybe get myself one, since I have some extra money I got from Emperor. One by one, every single of them I'd checked and nothing had kaught my intention but a dirt kolour tee's with TEXAS and LONGHORNS written on it along with a black bullhead between the two words. It was pretty but I decided to look at the pants before some black jeans kaught me. I was just checking, though, but there was a pair of 33 in size and I tried it and it fitted. It was a black, straight-kut Wrangler and it was pretty. And it was sold for $15 and I knew I shouldn't just let that go. It looks perfektly well on me. Haha.

I diskovered a new band today, after going through a reading about post-grunge bands in Wikipedia. Hell. It's THE VINES. They used to do kovers from Nirvana and they now sound much like The Strokes, though the vokalist got Asperger Syndrome. Ha ha.
Rekommended - "Winning Days" ( ( ( d[- -,]b ) ) )

Ocean City

Definitely a pleasure.
Yesterday evening I went to the beach with my aunt's motorcykle. There's nothing special with the beach there except that it is way longer than Monica Bay. People were everywhere along the beach; flying kites, playing beach sokker, fishing. It was indeed a happening evening. I decided to stop for awhile on my way back after going to the far end of it; I didn't get off of my wheels at first. But the sand looked so appealing I walked nearer to get on it. I just sat there and let the breeze wash over me. There weren't many people at the spot; the klosest was a kouple and they were far enough from me. Then there I lay, with hands under my head. Damn. It was so relaxing to listen to the waves krashing the beach, to feel the breeze, to smell the salty air; there was nothing but a peaceful pleasure. I knew this was home. A place where I should kome again. A place where I should always be. And I got back to Granny's only after 7 PM. I would've just kamped there, were it possible. Heh.
I'm home again. This home, here where I grow. But I'm looking forward to going to Doong-goon again. [~~.]

Jumping Sheeps

No unusual things I do or say would trigger the kountdown to my death. DEATH IS FATED. Do what I've in mind; just let Him decide.
I'll be gone to Dungun tonight. Yeah, it's good to see them after awhile.

Unborn Child

It's definitely a party for others; a reason to grief for me.
So they aktually held a birthday party today. They invited their friends and families; it was quite krowded when I got back home in the evening. Yea, I got home only at around 6. Bekause earlier, after I got back from Jumaat prayer this afternoon, I was home for awhile before Ayoppan kalled me to get to his place, to get back working on his tyres. Well, I needed a reason to get away though; they were preparing for the party and it was already quite krowded with my aunt's family koming for lunch. So I left home without eating and in anger. I, after hours, got home then and headed straight into the room; talking to no one. And I just lay there on the floor and slept. Yeah, I wanted no part in their party. It wasn't mine and I know I might never have mine. It was so lonely when I still kould hear the krowd chatting happily outside. Finally, I've got what I've always wanted before. To be alone and forgotten. It was for real this time. With tears streaming down my face. Yeah, it is a perfekt reason for me to grief. I know it sounds stupid, childish and pathetik; I just love that. Sadness of being abandoned. I love tears. I didn't get my eyes wet bekause I was jealous of their happiness but bekause I didn't have all this back in February 23rd. Party? To hell with it. I don't need it. I don't need all those people to kome here and eat my food. I just need some signals that indikate they, the ones I kall parents and sisters, remember about me. But really, why do I even need that? It's pointless. It's true what I've in mind; I don't belong to anyone. Maybe someday, I should just get out of here. I'm not needed except for the ekspektations they have on me.

I wish I had no birthday. So I wouldn't have to be all stupid; feeling bad when no one wished me. Don't bother to; mine has passed.

The Broken Airplane

I hadn't wanted to attend the night session of Hell at first bekause I'd wanted to just stay and finish my homework. But Emperor made me go after Muaz kame here to go to the klass with me like usual. Damn. Kan't really blame him, though. So I was finally in the fun Additional Maths klass. While everyone was solving the problems, I was thinking of my problems. I stared blankly at the numbers but I kould see only me; fucking myself, doing nothing, knowing nothing about what the others were doing. The only thing I was aware that time was that I'm such a jerk, useless idiot. Totally a disappointment. Kukuku.

---

Dicka, the walking skeleton told me earlier today, in day klass, that some of those female klassmates fear me. It's bekause I used to snap at one of them last week for telling me something about works that I'd already known. And he also mentioned about his girl, who's from next klass, that was talking to him some time ago and got startled to see me near her. I'd been there just to put my things aktually. I felt funny when he told me all this. I thought they were just fine with me since they all do laugh when I say funny things in klass. Well, I'm not saying I'm proud of this but it's just good. At least they wouldn't want to order me this and that like they do to others. Kukuku.

Masked Rider

I possess a number of different masks. I keep changing them in order to fit with various types of people I enkounter. I keep changing my masks I have no idea of which one is my true face. And I don't know if I ever to find the true one; the one that suits me, not others.

---

Al-Fatihah for Pak Cik Din, a brother of my late Grandpa. He died this morning in an accident, 5 months after his brother did. Rest in peace, old men. May God bless you.

333rd Down: Ready. Set. Hut. TOUCHDOWN.

I was awakened this morning by their voices; talking about celebrating their birthday this year. Some good food, friends to invite, and something else I don't really remember. So that made me remember about my own birthday. Only date, aktually. I've never celebrated any birthday party or even invited friends to eat together somewhere or whatever people usually do to celebrate it. Okay, my family sometimes buy that Kentucky Flirty Chicks for my birthday. It's good. Thanks. But the only birthday party I ever had was the one I don't exaktly remember when; except that I only remember about it bekause I saw it in some old photos. It was me holding the knife on a kake, surrounded by families and neighbors. Well, I don't know if it was my birthday since it just might be me playing around with someone else's kake. But it's fine. I don't know whether I'm sad or not about this but really, who needs birthday party anyway? I don't. It's truly good for me; I love bitter things to happen on me. A reason to get away from people.

The less happy things I have, the less happy things I'll lose in future.

---

To think again, it was just a stupid thing to feel bad about. It's not just me and who kares anyway. Ugh, this is so troublesome. But there's something that I feel sad about today. Eyeshield 21. The series is already finished. I've just finished that tonight after months, a lot of months, since I last read it. Damn. But it's truly good to have done that one.

The Jackal

After reading my old posts, I feel like writing one tonight. It's good tonight; no works to get done, no skool to attend tomorrow. There is, aktually, but I just don't think I have to. They're having a feast tomorrow, to celebrate something I don't really want to mention in here. So a rest day for me. There's a movie right now; The Jackal. Sounds good and I'm going to watch it after this. I'm hoping there'll be no one home tomorrow morning but me; I really have something to do and yea I'll have to do it alone, just alone.

Operation : Bravo 104

"Light thinks it travels faster than anything. But it is wrong. No matter how fast it travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."
-Terry Pratchett

"Monsters are real. Ghosts are real. They live inside us. And sometimes, they win."
-Stephen King

That is speed of darkness. It's even faster than the light.

Annoying Konflikt

I've always hated skool and what happened today is one of the reasons of it.
Unlike any other day, today, the Ruler of Bios Logos, the feared one, didn't use her usual method of teaching; eksplaining every little detail of the chapter, torturing us with questions and other things that not many Owners praktice. Yeah, I got to admit that despite of her attitude, her method makes me understand better, and I don't think I kould have done so last year, without her teaching. We are even afraid to yawn for she's so praktikally strikt when in class. But today, she didn't do all that. She just, taught us like any other would do; she didn't question us, didn't pick out anyone yawning, didn't tell us how weak we are in study but just talking in front very fast I kouldn't really figure out what she was teaching us. She was boring today, when she hadn't been so for as long as known by many. At the end of the klass, she'd told something to all of us, something about what I still kan't really understand. She was mad. I kould tell that. Then I found out, with the help of my mates, that the mad teacher had found out that our klass, V Kreative, don't like her. Hate, even. What? That's, a little bit too true. Not just us but who like her, really? She'd always pointed out that many do; she's a stone-hearted, I'd say, and I wouldn't have thought about her getting broken-hearted by that fakt; she wouldn't even kare. Ekscept that she did. I don't know. And the bitches of my klass pulled their ugly faces (to boycott, Remy said) in Bahasa Melayu klass after that for they blamed the teacher, the funny one teaching us Melayu, as the reason for all this. For telling the Bios Logos stone-hearted one about all this hate thing. Bekause, the same time a week ago, we'd got late into Melayu klass and the teacher kalled the Bios teacher to komplain why she'd let us out late. But I still think she was just being funny and just pretended about the kall (I'm pro-her). I don't know if it was true. So then I heard we're getting separated from the bitches in Bios klass, which is hell great but will she teach us, the guys, using the fast, boring way like today or the torturing, interesting way like before? It's important for eksams but yeah, to hell all this. I still hate skool anyway.

Industrial Deutsch

Has a revolution started upon my hearing mechanism? I'm in fever for German Industrial Metal these days. Thanks to the Hand, she's the one that triggered this fever actually. But actually, I've heard this kind of music in Command & Conquer: Red Alert long ago and I regret that I just found out more about this only now. I got to know about this Industrial music recently from her post- Rammstein's "Amerika" video. Damn Rammstein. They really make great sound! And other few bands that play such music like Kein Mehrheit Fur Die Mitleid (KMFDM; I prefer the full one, though), Hanzel und Gretyl (I'm listening to it as I write this), and lots other possible Industrial bands that I'm going to find out about. And yeah, I'm starting to like German so much upon listening to these bands. Such heavy beats blended with machinery sounds in there and it never bored me to listen to it. Unlike other Heavy Metal. They're sound of machine and that makes me appreciate sounds better.

I really love the word 'sound' itself. It's, alive.

Rate of Reaction

I'm a man of dualism but I'm no betrayer to my own principes; I just need to see things from different angles of thought.

At last. I think this is the best answer I have so far to explain why my minds and words keep going against themselves. Like how I call myself with a Russian name yet in the same time I want to speak German. Like how I like both Russia and Germany when I still know they were once battling on Stalingrad. Everything has its explanation. And now I know what it really is in my case, dualism.

Unidentified Fucking Objects

And they've installed Wi-fi here. So much for the threat. Well, it doesn't feel much different with the old one but I hope it will WORK every single time I want it to. And there'll be a free netbook along with this upgrade package. We should get it next week, Emperor told.
In Bahasa Malaysia today, I answered the teacher funnily, as I've always done, about the type of characters in a drama. And so she called me 'masyarakat yang terkejut', as what I'd answered her. I was embarassed, but I don't really mind actually; I like her teaching and she's kind of funny and cynical too. So I usually get backfired back when I say something funny in her class.

M'i dharyl a rouisse sporne, pediest fo hwo I slaywa tac ni heer.

Rain after Weeks.

The holiday has ended and I should be in school today. But the rain wouldn't let me do that. I was halfway to the school when it rained and I was soaked up in my white shirt and green pants. So, I had no reason why I should keep my journey to school. It's another rest day from heaven. It's a blessing, too because it had been dry for weeks before yesterday's rain.

Stromoti: Dam Crera

I've drawn my money from my account yesterday for the new wheels. No, no, just the wheels. Sport rims and tyres. Haha. My old engine looks much better now but there are still few stuffs need to be replaced. I'll have to wait for that because I have no budget right now. I've spent about $250 yesterday and I can't just take out some more money in these days. Maybe a few more weeks and my vehicle will get done completely. Can't wait for that. And yeah, I'll be rarely in here too now because Internet at home is still not working. And Emperor said threateningly a few days ago about not upgrading it. Ugh.

Existensialism? Absurdism?

"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better." -Albert Camus

I found out about this Albert Camus in Novel Halimunan, by Nizam Zakaria. The story's about humanity, music, melancholy, and decisions, mainly.
The quote, for me, means something that I don't really prefer as I'm not one of those motivated persons and I don't really work hard in my life. Yes, I can see freedom as a way for us to get better, to prepare ourselves for a greater responsibility towards our own life in future, but it's hard for me to make it work. To realize the expectations, dreams of mostly people around me. They don't see things like I do, or it's I don't see things like they do. Life should be of our own preferences but still based on senses. And this is hard for me as to choose, to decide what my life will be and what I myself am going to be. Shit. This is out of topic. I still have phuturaphobia in me, and this is a taboo; to talk about future.

Bludjem Sleighn

S'ti a doog awy orf me to kaem sfescionnos. Hortes t'anc aeryll anstuddren thwa I triew nda sh'tat thwa I nawt. I voel biegn dhar to anstuddren. Plemocx. Stewidt. But orf hoste woh nac aerd nda nowk thwa sith all naems, lewl, kansht. Orf, err.. I n'odt nowk. No, s'ti clataluy queti dhar orf me to certae sfescionnos ni sith bludjem Sleighn. S'ti dhar to kinth fo eth rowds nda ni eth maes miet to blujem eth stretel. Ugh.. but I lilst kiel sith. Ti skool kiel emos rofinge gaugenal nhew s'ti stuj a sleimp eon, daem stewidt by a stewidt-ednimd kraef kiel me.

Prospekt's March

I voel shting hatt leoppe n'odt aeryll anstuddren.

Hello Machine. I'm back for you to operate. Internet, after what seemed like forever, has gone back normal. Well, at least it's working now. I'm just fine. So is my school. Got a quite good result, I think. No, it's not good but it is for me, yea. My 'old engine that could' looks newer now; I've just got to save more money for some other parts that need to be replaced. It works better now, yea. About the Internet-dead-for-weeks thing, it caused something and it wasn't good. I lost my fishes in FishVille, didn't get to write about this sound machine first anniversary. And my anniversary as well. Okay, happy birthday, Kal. That's it. Thanks for Lina, too. And the post ends here.

Wheels: Upgraded

Another Thursday at home. No, I actually did go to school, but these damn irritated eyes made no reason why I should stay there longer. I thought of just resting in the school's clinic room, but then why not rest at home? School wouldn't make me any better after all. So I called Mom to fetch me and here I am, resting. Heh. And oh yea, I, err.. actually those friends, have half-finished with replacing my wheel's new body cover. Yea, I've bought it yesterday evening after weeks of thinking about it and we got to work last night. It's quite sad to see the old one being replaced and too, the money burnt for that. It costs about Ringgit Malaya 140, but I consider it as an investment. Haha.. and it won't be so shaky anymore, or so I think. I've started saving too, as for the other parts. Well, it's going to take months, considering I can get only ten bucks per week, forty per month. Money, money, money.

Red Days

I've been back here on Friday night. And now there are just four of us at home; Mom and Dad along with the little devil have been to Rompin for a wedding reception. And I'm getting bored to death just sitting here and not going out. Not that I should go to some Chinese house and ask for angpow, I just have to go out. Or maybe I can just read. Uh, well, I've finished 'Novel Halimunan' again. Yea, I've read this years ago and it's good I don't mind reading it again. It's an online novel by Nizam Zakaria and I know whoever he is, he is such a hand. Like those nameless hands. He writes about music, ideology and melancholy in such an interesting fiction. Hope to find more of his works. And Faz has bought few new novels and I'm on one of those; 'What Happens In London' by Julia Quinn. A military, half-spy English gentleman falls in love with a daughter of Earl of Rudland through their windows. Worth my free time.

Mysterich III

"Freedom is nothing else but a chance
to be better."- Albert Camus

Melancholy. Freed. Holes.
At last, the last paper. And this battle ends.
My heart beats hard, a little too eager to end this quick.
Yet there's still a part of me pierced, hollow, just like
the blank spaces I've left in this battle. I know
those holes will injure me in no time. They surely will.

Exam has ended yesterday and that means I don't have any reason to be there today. So I went with Ayoppan to have his new wheel serviced. I've been his driver lately; I've got license and he doesn't and his mom won't let him ride the bike himself. I don't mind actually; I get to ride a faster one than mine. Hah. And this evening we-my family and I of course-are going back to Doong-goon. They're holding a tahlil tomorrow to make up for the last one that had been cancelled for Granny had been sick. Yeah, I think it's good to go there again.

Eating Disorder

BULIMIA NERVOSA. An eating disorder which the sufferer, bulimic, has a weird eating habit. According to Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV TR) published by the American Psychiatric Association, some of the criterias for diagnosing a bulimic are;
- eating in a large amount of food out of control, and followed by self-induced vomiting to prevent weight gain.
- may occur once in a few months, or in some serious cases, after every meal, on a daily basis.
- a purging type bulimic self-induce vomiting, usually by triggering the gag reflex to rapidly remove the food before it can be digested.
- a non-purging type bulimic (approximately 6% - 8% of cases) exercise or fast excessively after a large meal to offset the caloric intake after eating.
- the onset of bulimia nervosa is often during adolescence (13 - 20) and many cases have previously suffered obesity, with many sufferers relapsing in adulthood into episodic binging and purging even after initially successful treatment and remission.
- can be difficult to detect, compared to anorexia nervosa, because many bulimics tend to be of average weight, or slightly above or below average weight.
- often occurs on female, high school or university students.

EFFECTS
- Chronic gastric reflux after eating
- Dehydration and hypokalemia caused by frequent vomiting
- Electrolyte imbalance, which can lead to cardiac arrythmia, cardiac arrest, and even death
- Esophagitis (inflammation of esophagus)
- Oral trauma, in which repetitive insertion of fingers or other objects causes lacerations to the lining of mouth and throat
- Gastroparesis (delayed emptying)
- Constipation
- Enlarged glands in neck, under the jaw line
- Peptic ulcers
- Calluses or scars on the back of hands due to repeated trauma from incisors
- Constant weight fluctuations
The frequent contact between teeth and gastric acid, in particular, may cause;
- Severe caries
- Perimolysis (erosion of tooth enamel)
- Swollen salivary glands
- also has negative effect on dental health, due to the acid passed through the mouth from frequent vomiting causing acid erosion, mainly on the posterior dental surface.

(Edited from "Bulimia nervosa, Wikipedia")

ENCHAINED MOUTHS

I no longer dream of that happy yet annoying dream anymore. At least for a few nights. And exam has begun today, like usual, I'm lack of preparation. Always. But yeah, got to work a little harder this time. Like they've been saying, jokingly, "We're going to face SPM this year. We must work harder." Yea right. And I think I have a new campaign now, as I'd had for every exam I'd sat. ENCHAINED MOUTHS. It's something about my inner sounds that have been kept shut while I'm in public, like, school. Well, it's kind of blur, but I'll synchronize it well with my mind. It's actually an anagram of THE SOUND MACHINE. Ha. I love anagrams.

Criminal Minds

"Reasons are not automatic. Those who deny it, cannot be conquered by it."
-Aye Rand

I got this from an episode of Criminal Minds series. I didn't really get the meaning at first, then I tried to think about it for a few times. And I had figured it out in the toilet. Mbahaha.. nah..
Reasons for something we do are not acceptable by everyone. They just can't understand, or accept our reasons when they don't really even understand what we do. For me, I may have my own explanation for myself of what I've been doing as myself, but I just can't expect people to take it like I do. I do what I do, whether they know exactly about it or not. Okay, again, this explanation is based from my perspective and just especially for myself and myself alone.

Through the Streets.

I've always loved Thursdays as I find that day 'shady and a little dark' from the blinding bright schooldays. Weekend's eve. But the Thursday of last week, it was dark, but this time, evilish dark. That was the day I got caught by the Grim reaper-like teacher. And my short hair, at that time, was not short enough, according to him and his ridiculous school rules. Fucked. The last thing I knew, my head was almost hairless and I had to bear the naughty voices and hummiliations, okay, they didn't hummiliate me actually, but I just felt too embarassed. I then slowly tried to accept my poor condition now. But last Wednesday night, this week, I had dreamt about my hair growing back to its normal length and style. I got up, feeling a bit sad for it was just a dream. The next night, guess what, the same kind of dream. But this time, wow, it had grown longer - longer than I had ever imagined mine would be. It was rather a little like female's, and just a ridiculous fantasy resulting from too much thinking about that, but still, I'd been flattered. I woke up and smiled; what a nice sleep to have that dream. And holy, last night, the third consecutive night, the ever same dream. It was a little longer than this hairless state, but just enough to make me happy. But yeah, IT WAS JUST A DREAM. I know I'm being fooled by Morpheus, as he did to me last year's midterm break.

Just this evening, I went out as usual to get into traffic jams with my old engine. Then, at a busy T-junction, there was a car, a white Honda CRV from the same flow with me, stopping to turn right. I'd known it wanted to turn right, and there were cars on the next lane coming toward me. I was on the middle of the lanes and I thought I would get through them but hell, the CRV moved to turn and DANG! it got me on my left side. I was lucky enough I didn't get knocked over and lay on the road. But the left pedal platform was crooked badly I couldn't change gear, and I'm sure that poor car got some scraches on its right wing. (Sorry!) I went to a workshop to fix the crooked part and fortunately, that old junk had no other serious injury. Neither had I. BUT MY LEFT SANDAL HAD TORN. Shit. That's the only damage I regret. I was being ignorant to the danger and I deserved the consequence. And I just have to be a little more careful after this for death is always around. But never will I stop doing that after that little accident.

Finding Myself

I've always fantasized I got something special in me. Sure, everyone has their own uniqueness, special feature, whether they know it or not. But for me, other than this twisted head, I have nothing much left. Okay, maybe I say this because I have low self-esteem. Truly, I do lack of it.

Bitterness.

There are no such things like good memories. Only good pasts, that turn bitter as time slips through my weak and useless hand, like sand, unstoppable. That's how I describe MEMORIES.

Speed Phantom II

You can defeat your strongest enemies either by luck, or by strength. But you know you have defeated them by strength, when they never had room for their own bad luck.

DENIAL BY PRIDE, CONTRADICTION BY POWER.

The Invisible Hands

The gap between the posts is growing. Way to go, dude! It's just I don't have much to write, or time to spend here. Well, I have it now. I'm on my leave, as the school is having a cleaning campaign, today. I have no reason to go to school, when I can use that 'cleaning' excuse to stay away from there. And so I checked my Bookface geek-fest thing just now and went to look at this profile of a friend of my sister. I've known long before that she can draw perfectly well, and the lot of drawings in her profile make me feel awfully envy her ability. She got a great way of thinking and expressing herself, and ... Ugh. I don't want to write more. Her great skills make my stomach feel sick. I envy ones who draw, play music, and think differently from others.

Paper Ship.

School has been running for almost two weeks now. And it goes smooth now. I'd finished some homework they'd given and I'd started to feel a determination to finish them. That can be the beginning of this 'study year', I guess. Well, I kind of like the new lineup of teachers teaching us this year. That's good; I don't want to hate any of them, not that I had hated them obviously in the past years. And today we had a motivation/orientation session with the counsellors and they along with some teachers had sort of burned my inner fuel of a new determination to change. To change to a better environment of learning process, better motivated to make good results out of the exams. I'm a paper ship under a burning bridge. I want to pass underthrough it; I don't want to get burnt for it.

Eth Eskorts

Everytime I discover a good band, a band that plays sound that gets into my ears, I try to look for more of them, hoping that I'll like their works. I find more about them, and I declare I like them. That's why I keep changing my music interest, not changing actually; adding bands to it. And just recently I've found out about The Strokes, which is on hiatus, and each of the members goes for their own way. Jules sings Electronic Synthpop solo now, Hammond makes good songs with other few musicians I don't know about, Nick as backing vocal in Fab's sideband, Little Joy while Nikolai with his, Nickel Eye. Yea, that makes another few new stuffs for me to discover. Shit. When will they get back together and make new Strokes songs? I'm missing.

New Moon

Fuhh.. it's all settled now. Caesahar's call woke me from my deep slumber. We got to school for the registration. At first, the kids said that the teachers wouldn't let anyone with long hair register. Fuck. Okay, maybe mine was long. But it seemed like their hair were short enough, but the ridiculous teachers still hadn't let them pass. After blah blah blah, I decided to stop wasting time and try my luck. They seemed deliberate at first, but I promised for a good haircut right after settling the payment. So she let me and I went straight to the barbershop. And so my hair got cut. I hadn't cared if it was going to be bad, but yeah, it's kind of nice. My head feel light and the short hair doesn't look so hideous, though. Glad that I could accept it better than I'd expected. The end.

New Year's Resolutions.

Ah. Just got home from Dungun. We'd gone there yesterday for Ki's (Grampa) tahlil, but they'd cancelled it as Granny got hospitalized for some sickness. And I bought a snowcap with Guevara's graphic on it, since I'd been wearing the old one again these days. Well, I'm a bit tired now and since I can't get up late anymore tomorrow-I have to settle my school registration and get a haircut-I have to get enough sleep tonight. Not that I'd be such a wheenie to sleep early. School'll be started again. Can't stay up late, can't get up late, can't watch day's Korean drama(aired at 12.30 p.m.,), can't blah blah blah. And yet not to forget, I still haven't touched anything of that Physics work. Damn it to hell. Farewell, holiday. May us be damned for school's sake.

---

When it comes to celebrating a new year, it seems like there's a culture in it. Everyone wishes everyone for their happiness, wealth, health and other goodness to come in the new year. They also recall what they have done in last year; some regret, while some are pleased of any goodness or achievement they've made. And yea, resolutions for new year. To change themselves to a better person, or to make their lives better. And here are my resolutions for 2010.
1. To regret nothing of what I've done in this year.
2. To endure the hardships-if there's any-of being an SPM candidate.
3. To wait patiently for the school year to end.
4. To survive all the big exams safe and sound.
5. To find clues and answers of what I'll become in my near future.
6. And to be happy when all this ends.