No unusual things I do or say would trigger the kountdown to my death. DEATH IS FATED. Do what I've in mind; just let Him decide.
I'll be gone to Dungun tonight. Yeah, it's good to see them after awhile.
20100429
20100423
Unborn Child
It's definitely a party for others; a reason to grief for me.
So they aktually held a birthday party today. They invited their friends and families; it was quite krowded when I got back home in the evening. Yea, I got home only at around 6. Bekause earlier, after I got back from Jumaat prayer this afternoon, I was home for awhile before Ayoppan kalled me to get to his place, to get back working on his tyres. Well, I needed a reason to get away though; they were preparing for the party and it was already quite krowded with my aunt's family koming for lunch. So I left home without eating and in anger. I, after hours, got home then and headed straight into the room; talking to no one. And I just lay there on the floor and slept. Yeah, I wanted no part in their party. It wasn't mine and I know I might never have mine. It was so lonely when I still kould hear the krowd chatting happily outside. Finally, I've got what I've always wanted before. To be alone and forgotten. It was for real this time. With tears streaming down my face. Yeah, it is a perfekt reason for me to grief. I know it sounds stupid, childish and pathetik; I just love that. Sadness of being abandoned. I love tears. I didn't get my eyes wet bekause I was jealous of their happiness but bekause I didn't have all this back in February 23rd. Party? To hell with it. I don't need it. I don't need all those people to kome here and eat my food. I just need some signals that indikate they, the ones I kall parents and sisters, remember about me. But really, why do I even need that? It's pointless. It's true what I've in mind; I don't belong to anyone. Maybe someday, I should just get out of here. I'm not needed except for the ekspektations they have on me.
So they aktually held a birthday party today. They invited their friends and families; it was quite krowded when I got back home in the evening. Yea, I got home only at around 6. Bekause earlier, after I got back from Jumaat prayer this afternoon, I was home for awhile before Ayoppan kalled me to get to his place, to get back working on his tyres. Well, I needed a reason to get away though; they were preparing for the party and it was already quite krowded with my aunt's family koming for lunch. So I left home without eating and in anger. I, after hours, got home then and headed straight into the room; talking to no one. And I just lay there on the floor and slept. Yeah, I wanted no part in their party. It wasn't mine and I know I might never have mine. It was so lonely when I still kould hear the krowd chatting happily outside. Finally, I've got what I've always wanted before. To be alone and forgotten. It was for real this time. With tears streaming down my face. Yeah, it is a perfekt reason for me to grief. I know it sounds stupid, childish and pathetik; I just love that. Sadness of being abandoned. I love tears. I didn't get my eyes wet bekause I was jealous of their happiness but bekause I didn't have all this back in February 23rd. Party? To hell with it. I don't need it. I don't need all those people to kome here and eat my food. I just need some signals that indikate they, the ones I kall parents and sisters, remember about me. But really, why do I even need that? It's pointless. It's true what I've in mind; I don't belong to anyone. Maybe someday, I should just get out of here. I'm not needed except for the ekspektations they have on me.
I wish I had no birthday. So I wouldn't have to be all stupid; feeling bad when no one wished me. Don't bother to; mine has passed.
20100419
The Broken Airplane
I hadn't wanted to attend the night session of Hell at first bekause I'd wanted to just stay and finish my homework. But Emperor made me go after Muaz kame here to go to the klass with me like usual. Damn. Kan't really blame him, though. So I was finally in the fun Additional Maths klass. While everyone was solving the problems, I was thinking of my problems. I stared blankly at the numbers but I kould see only me; fucking myself, doing nothing, knowing nothing about what the others were doing. The only thing I was aware that time was that I'm such a jerk, useless idiot. Totally a disappointment. Kukuku.
Dicka, the walking skeleton told me earlier today, in day klass, that some of those female klassmates fear me. It's bekause I used to snap at one of them last week for telling me something about works that I'd already known. And he also mentioned about his girl, who's from next klass, that was talking to him some time ago and got startled to see me near her. I'd been there just to put my things aktually. I felt funny when he told me all this. I thought they were just fine with me since they all do laugh when I say funny things in klass. Well, I'm not saying I'm proud of this but it's just good. At least they wouldn't want to order me this and that like they do to others. Kukuku.
Dicka, the walking skeleton told me earlier today, in day klass, that some of those female klassmates fear me. It's bekause I used to snap at one of them last week for telling me something about works that I'd already known. And he also mentioned about his girl, who's from next klass, that was talking to him some time ago and got startled to see me near her. I'd been there just to put my things aktually. I felt funny when he told me all this. I thought they were just fine with me since they all do laugh when I say funny things in klass. Well, I'm not saying I'm proud of this but it's just good. At least they wouldn't want to order me this and that like they do to others. Kukuku.
20100417
Masked Rider
I possess a number of different masks. I keep changing them in order to fit with various types of people I enkounter. I keep changing my masks I have no idea of which one is my true face. And I don't know if I ever to find the true one; the one that suits me, not others.
Al-Fatihah for Pak Cik Din, a brother of my late Grandpa. He died this morning in an accident, 5 months after his brother did. Rest in peace, old men. May God bless you.
Al-Fatihah for Pak Cik Din, a brother of my late Grandpa. He died this morning in an accident, 5 months after his brother did. Rest in peace, old men. May God bless you.
20100416
333rd Down: Ready. Set. Hut. TOUCHDOWN.
I was awakened this morning by their voices; talking about celebrating their birthday this year. Some good food, friends to invite, and something else I don't really remember. So that made me remember about my own birthday. Only date, aktually. I've never celebrated any birthday party or even invited friends to eat together somewhere or whatever people usually do to celebrate it. Okay, my family sometimes buy that Kentucky Flirty Chicks for my birthday. It's good. Thanks. But the only birthday party I ever had was the one I don't exaktly remember when; except that I only remember about it bekause I saw it in some old photos. It was me holding the knife on a kake, surrounded by families and neighbors. Well, I don't know if it was my birthday since it just might be me playing around with someone else's kake. But it's fine. I don't know whether I'm sad or not about this but really, who needs birthday party anyway? I don't. It's truly good for me; I love bitter things to happen on me. A reason to get away from people.
The less happy things I have, the less happy things I'll lose in future.
To think again, it was just a stupid thing to feel bad about. It's not just me and who kares anyway. Ugh, this is so troublesome. But there's something that I feel sad about today. Eyeshield 21. The series is already finished. I've just finished that tonight after months, a lot of months, since I last read it. Damn. But it's truly good to have done that one.
The less happy things I have, the less happy things I'll lose in future.
To think again, it was just a stupid thing to feel bad about. It's not just me and who kares anyway. Ugh, this is so troublesome. But there's something that I feel sad about today. Eyeshield 21. The series is already finished. I've just finished that tonight after months, a lot of months, since I last read it. Damn. But it's truly good to have done that one.
20100414
The Jackal
After reading my old posts, I feel like writing one tonight. It's good tonight; no works to get done, no skool to attend tomorrow. There is, aktually, but I just don't think I have to. They're having a feast tomorrow, to celebrate something I don't really want to mention in here. So a rest day for me. There's a movie right now; The Jackal. Sounds good and I'm going to watch it after this. I'm hoping there'll be no one home tomorrow morning but me; I really have something to do and yea I'll have to do it alone, just alone.
20100413
Operation : Bravo 104
"Light thinks it travels faster than anything. But it is wrong. No matter how fast it travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."That is speed of darkness. It's even faster than the light.
-Terry Pratchett
"Monsters are real. Ghosts are real. They live inside us. And sometimes, they win."
-Stephen King
20100407
Annoying Konflikt
I've always hated skool and what happened today is one of the reasons of it.
Unlike any other day, today, the Ruler of Bios Logos, the feared one, didn't use her usual method of teaching; eksplaining every little detail of the chapter, torturing us with questions and other things that not many Owners praktice. Yeah, I got to admit that despite of her attitude, her method makes me understand better, and I don't think I kould have done so last year, without her teaching. We are even afraid to yawn for she's so praktikally strikt when in class. But today, she didn't do all that. She just, taught us like any other would do; she didn't question us, didn't pick out anyone yawning, didn't tell us how weak we are in study but just talking in front very fast I kouldn't really figure out what she was teaching us. She was boring today, when she hadn't been so for as long as known by many. At the end of the klass, she'd told something to all of us, something about what I still kan't really understand. She was mad. I kould tell that. Then I found out, with the help of my mates, that the mad teacher had found out that our klass, V Kreative, don't like her. Hate, even. What? That's, a little bit too true. Not just us but who like her, really? She'd always pointed out that many do; she's a stone-hearted, I'd say, and I wouldn't have thought about her getting broken-hearted by that fakt; she wouldn't even kare. Ekscept that she did. I don't know. And the bitches of my klass pulled their ugly faces (to boycott, Remy said) in Bahasa Melayu klass after that for they blamed the teacher, the funny one teaching us Melayu, as the reason for all this. For telling the Bios Logos stone-hearted one about all this hate thing. Bekause, the same time a week ago, we'd got late into Melayu klass and the teacher kalled the Bios teacher to komplain why she'd let us out late. But I still think she was just being funny and just pretended about the kall (I'm pro-her). I don't know if it was true. So then I heard we're getting separated from the bitches in Bios klass, which is hell great but will she teach us, the guys, using the fast, boring way like today or the torturing, interesting way like before? It's important for eksams but yeah, to hell all this. I still hate skool anyway.
Unlike any other day, today, the Ruler of Bios Logos, the feared one, didn't use her usual method of teaching; eksplaining every little detail of the chapter, torturing us with questions and other things that not many Owners praktice. Yeah, I got to admit that despite of her attitude, her method makes me understand better, and I don't think I kould have done so last year, without her teaching. We are even afraid to yawn for she's so praktikally strikt when in class. But today, she didn't do all that. She just, taught us like any other would do; she didn't question us, didn't pick out anyone yawning, didn't tell us how weak we are in study but just talking in front very fast I kouldn't really figure out what she was teaching us. She was boring today, when she hadn't been so for as long as known by many. At the end of the klass, she'd told something to all of us, something about what I still kan't really understand. She was mad. I kould tell that. Then I found out, with the help of my mates, that the mad teacher had found out that our klass, V Kreative, don't like her. Hate, even. What? That's, a little bit too true. Not just us but who like her, really? She'd always pointed out that many do; she's a stone-hearted, I'd say, and I wouldn't have thought about her getting broken-hearted by that fakt; she wouldn't even kare. Ekscept that she did. I don't know. And the bitches of my klass pulled their ugly faces (to boycott, Remy said) in Bahasa Melayu klass after that for they blamed the teacher, the funny one teaching us Melayu, as the reason for all this. For telling the Bios Logos stone-hearted one about all this hate thing. Bekause, the same time a week ago, we'd got late into Melayu klass and the teacher kalled the Bios teacher to komplain why she'd let us out late. But I still think she was just being funny and just pretended about the kall (I'm pro-her). I don't know if it was true. So then I heard we're getting separated from the bitches in Bios klass, which is hell great but will she teach us, the guys, using the fast, boring way like today or the torturing, interesting way like before? It's important for eksams but yeah, to hell all this. I still hate skool anyway.
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