So they aktually held a birthday party today. They invited their friends and families; it was quite krowded when I got back home in the evening. Yea, I got home only at around 6. Bekause earlier, after I got back from Jumaat prayer this afternoon, I was home for awhile before Ayoppan kalled me to get to his place, to get back working on his tyres. Well, I needed a reason to get away though; they were preparing for the party and it was already quite krowded with my aunt's family koming for lunch. So I left home without eating and in anger. I, after hours, got home then and headed straight into the room; talking to no one. And I just lay there on the floor and slept. Yeah, I wanted no part in their party. It wasn't mine and I know I might never have mine. It was so lonely when I still kould hear the krowd chatting happily outside. Finally, I've got what I've always wanted before. To be alone and forgotten. It was for real this time. With tears streaming down my face. Yeah, it is a perfekt reason for me to grief. I know it sounds stupid, childish and pathetik; I just love that. Sadness of being abandoned. I love tears. I didn't get my eyes wet bekause I was jealous of their happiness but bekause I didn't have all this back in February 23rd. Party? To hell with it. I don't need it. I don't need all those people to kome here and eat my food. I just need some signals that indikate they, the ones I kall parents and sisters, remember about me. But really, why do I even need that? It's pointless. It's true what I've in mind; I don't belong to anyone. Maybe someday, I should just get out of here. I'm not needed except for the ekspektations they have on me.
I wish I had no birthday. So I wouldn't have to be all stupid; feeling bad when no one wished me. Don't bother to; mine has passed.
But I needed you.
ReplyDeleteWhat's up with that 'but'?
ReplyDelete