All grown up.

Okay. I spent the early days of this holiday at Dungun. Then we attended a wedding at Kuala Terengganu, ah, wedding. So not me. But I decided to follow Mom because it was a wedding of my ex-neighbor. They used to live few doors away from mine and we were so good at that time. They were my playmates when I was a kid. A little kid. It was really a good time how we used to get along with each other, though I'm younger than them. Meeting again those good friends after 5 years, really made me like

"Oh shit. They've all changed now. All grown up."

Sunshine.

Some say they have reached their 'Moksya level'.
Some say they are freed from exam's imprisonment.
I say, bright days have come.
Grateful. Joy. Relieveness. Physics III, the last paper, it was quite easy but Add Maths, ouh, never mind. Forget all those papers, sickening questions, and enjoy these bright days to the fullest. Let these new things, plans for this holiday, fill up my mind. Argh, I can barely wait for the holiday.
Goodbye, school.
Welcome back, HOLY-day.

And Dark May Days has come to an end.

BLEEDING MASCARA

I thought she was just an adorable, quiet, and soft-mouthed girl.
I had just finished my Biology paper when the teacher came to me. She asked softly, whether I've cheated during that paper and I told the truth, with some twisted ideas. She was being kind for not taking the cheat sheet to testify me. Fewh. She's really kind. And I know the girl sitting next to me had told her about this. But I don't blame anyone for this. Really.
And the girl, she's not adorable anymore.

The mascara I've been wearing is bleeding the truth.
They know I'm fake.

Dark May Days

In The Last 60 Seconds.
When there's no way more to solve,
when there's nothing left to answer,
we'll rock on the papers.
Sketching, writing confessions on them.

Physics Paper II

YESTERDAY
"Fuck!"
"They're idiot!"
"Woo! Oy!!"
"Hell with them!"
I really wanted to kick someone. It was full of rebellious inside, thinking of doing harm to anyone, anywhere, a jerk, or simply innocent. It was burning, messed up with deep hatred to school, anything related to it. A fear, a desire to stop that nonsense, in a hard way.

TODAY
"The sisters are sick and Mom pays good attention to them."
"They look weak, helpless. Hate them."
"I've said something that made Ainaa cursed me. Um."
"If only I'm sick. It'd be better, to be given some extra attention."
"Never mind."
It's all gloomy, dark, and quiet inside me. Too quiet I can hear something's sobbing. I love this feeling. Forgotten and left behind.

Welcome to Ursa Luna.

Saturday. A perfect day for wasting time on Internet, MySpace especially. Or simply spending my precious time with her. But she's not online. Maybe she got works to do or maybe she's just having nice rest in weekend. She was like mad at me yesterday. Maybe it was caused by my 'goodbye' at the wrong time. She went away without a word, leaving me all alone there. Never mind. Maybe it was just a sudden DC. Hope so.
Sorry Lina.

Ah, I'd be happy to get on the Internet for the whole day, as usual. But with Emperor's warningS, it'd be so uncomfortable to do that. This iron bars can't hold my soul in anymore, but I'm terrified of the Emperor's walls. I hope he could spend more time at work, or anywhere else but not home. I know, I can't be a disrespectful son.
Sorry Dad.

The Last 60 Seconds

The exam has just begun yesterday. Like what I've 'planned' before, I'm taking it without any revision or preparation to load my head with answers. There's nothing in it. My head is not able to store big deal of data, boring ones, for more than 3 or 4 hours, maybe. *Enough rubbish talks, Monkey.
Read right before the papers are given, or
keep textbooks in the toilet, no, it's store actually.
Dirty job, I know. :D

Monday
"When is the exam?" Emperor asked.
"Next week." I replied.
"Go make revision then! Don't just watch the TV all the time, study!" A little scold it was.
"Ouh, okay.." I replied, still watching TV.

Today
"When is the exam?" Again, he asked.
"It's this week, isn't it?" Mom replied, without permission.
"Ouh, err.. yea.. they fast=forward it a week earlier, and it's today.." I said, with running eyes, trying to avoid Emperor's.
"I don't wanna see you using the computer again. Read books and study." I already went away with food.

Rush of blood to the head.

I remember dreaming about mom several days ago. It happened at my aunt's place, but yea, whereabout doesn't really matter here. My mom was some sort of being insulted, which I got no idea why, and the feeling of love to my mom came to me suddenly, and it was really strong at that time. Then I hugged her and cried like a small child in her lap. It felt so comfortable. I was sobbing in sleep and I woke up that morning, right after the dream, with sobs and tears. Hah. I love sobbing in sleep. And I want that dream again. Despite of her not-so-lovely attitude, I still love her and how I hope that she could hold me in her arms, in this real life.

Mother's Day means nothing to me. I love her every single day.

My heart beats hard. Blood rushes from it, to the head, to the lungs, and back to the heart. My head feels like it's gonna burst. Feel like fainting, going to pass out. That's what happens when I move or get up suddenly from my quiet state.

Judgement Days

As you can see, it's Friday. I love these Friday, Saturday, and plus a Sunday for it's gonna be a public holiday for Wesak, I think. But there's one thing that makes these school-off days mean nothing, but a waiting to sit in living hell, interrogated by reaper's questions. Hell, totally. Midyear exam, that's it. It kills. Like what I've been thru' since, ever, yea, I'll go to the battlefield, without shield, unprepared.
Hah. Dead or alive.

Save me,
Your warm hands break right thru' me,
I don't care how you do it,
But please stay,
I've been waiting for you.

Red scratch. A declaration.

I go to the party,
Where everyone is in their fancy dresses;
Striking and attracting,
I'm just in my bleached shirt.

I see everyone is happy;
Enjoying food,
Having warm and annoying chat,
I'm just quiet, tight to myself.

They all look at me,
As if I'm an inmate,
Some don't ignore me,
Some don't notice me at all.

I stand at the corner,
Cornered by their ignorance,
And I'm at peaceful,
A little lonely I don't hate.

-Adi Dassler, May Day

Mechanical Arms

Controlled by something.
Uh. 9 AM, mom woke me; aunt needed me to help her to move furnitures. Ah. They lived in quarters before and are going to move into their new house. Luckily, their unit is just on the first level. Carried a washing-machine, refridgerator, few cupboards, bed, and it wore me out. Weak and powerless. I can't raise my arms high for more than 3 secs. They're trembling, shaking inside. I won't be helping tomorrow. Let those still-sleeping-at-10 cousins get their part done. Hell. It's Labour Day today and I was an imported worker.
And I can't stop thinking about that girl, missing.