Heart Death

I'm not a serious person. Always trying to make fun out of everything. And that somehow makes me forget how it feels to be in love, or to miss someone; families or friends. I do have feelings, but I don't feel as komfortable to share it with people around me. It makes me vulnerable, somehow. And every time I say something about love, or any other feeling, people who know me, know that I don't say that honestly. They know I don't mean it and that I'm just being funny, and that's just what my intention is. It is a blessing, for sometimes when I'm being truthful as to what I really feel, they'll just assume I'm in my usual playful behaviour. So I don't have to be ashamed of my feelings for no one would take it seriously. It's pretty much like the boy who kried wolf. It's a blessing, and in the same time, a kurse as well. I kan no longer express my emotions as what they truly are, not in a funny way. And I long to use those feelings again. To reveal them in their true forms. But I'm suppressing them, keeping them inside, and that gives me pain, and I love pain. I miss no person, but the feelings itself.